In Hope I trust.

"Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.  It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."

Vaclav Havel

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This entire last month has been entirely too strange for words.  Strange, there truly is no better way to describe it.  Day-after-day-after-day-after-day, no matter how great the attempt, I always felt the same.  Distraught.  Defeated.  Drained.  There was no escape, no running away, my mind kept pulling me  back every time I tried.  Whenever I put pen-to-paper I found my ideas were sullen and filled with sadness.  Try as I might, I couldn't think of anything positive to say.  I could not think of joy.  A small part of me felt as though I were betraying my grandmother if I were happy.  A part of me felt guilty and torn.  How could I be laughing and having a good time when she is gone?  I felt guilty for living.  

It almost did not seem fair.  Why did she have to go?  Why couldn't it have just been a scare?  Why, why, why?  I know, it is just part of the grieving process.  It seems almost inconceivable that one day I will accept that death, like birth,  is just an inevitable part of this journey.  

And, so, I hope that today will be the last of these sad posts (at least for a very good while).  There will be days where it may seem impossible to be happy, I know, that is life.  However, I will not allow those feelings to consume me.  My grandmother made it her mission to see the ones she loved happy.  Who am I to disappoint her?  

I have found that in hoping for better days, those days are bound to come. I have found that hope exists even in the darkest of days.  I have found that it is true, hope is the last thing that dies.  I hope, I hope, I hope.  I hope that everything will be okay.

xoxo  

Lightly, ever so lightly.

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling...” 

Aldous Huxley

A couple of weeks ago, while perusing Instagram (okay, stalking people on Instagram) I came across these beautiful words.  It was a post from Literally, Darling (check them out) and it stayed with me.  Since that day, around two weeks ago, I have read that quote several times.  My inner being is twisted, molded, and changed every time.  To some, a photograph may be worth a thousand words.  But for me?  Always go with words (preferably handwritten words).  I must harbor an old soul.

Today, on this Friday the 16th, in all of your actions, I ask of you, tread lightly.  And, when you feel lost, with little hope to guide your way, read this quote again.  You will not be disappointed.  Your mind and body will crave the lightness.  Sooner or later, you will find yourself coming out of your old shell feeling light and renewed.

Change, it does wonders to you.  So, this weekend, make a conscious effort to do all things lightly.  Happy Friday.  Above all, happy weekend.  

xoxo

I'll shop if I want to.

“It might seem strange to start a story with an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.” 

Mitch Albom

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It has been seven days.  Seven long, long days.  And today, I think I feel okay.  I guess what they say is true, time heals all wounds.  Too bad there is not a fast forward button for your emotions, because lets face it, I am ready for this nightmare to be over.  I have had good hours, bad hours, sad hours, and happy hours.  As long as I am kept busy then my mind does not have time to wander.  It feels as though I am on a never-ending roller coaster ride.  "Hey, someone press the stop button, I want to get off!".  

There is no switch, I just have to take it one day at a time.  Ya know, the good with the bad, etc. etc.  And what better to keep you busy than online shopping?  Surprisingly, spending money is awfully therapeutic.  Or maybe it is just the online browsing that helps to clear my mind.  One headband, okay maybe two headbands,  a dress, and bracelet and a smile may have appeared (slightly).  Next time I'll try some earrings, maybe it will have a longer lasting effect.

There is no way to know for sure how long it will take for the grey clouds to dissipate.  However, a small part of me is certain that the sun will shine again.  Until then there are malls, books, friends, and chocolate.  You can never go wrong with chocolate.  Chocolate makes your heart just a little more full.

xoxo