In Hope I trust.

"Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.  It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."

Vaclav Havel

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This entire last month has been entirely too strange for words.  Strange, there truly is no better way to describe it.  Day-after-day-after-day-after-day, no matter how great the attempt, I always felt the same.  Distraught.  Defeated.  Drained.  There was no escape, no running away, my mind kept pulling me  back every time I tried.  Whenever I put pen-to-paper I found my ideas were sullen and filled with sadness.  Try as I might, I couldn't think of anything positive to say.  I could not think of joy.  A small part of me felt as though I were betraying my grandmother if I were happy.  A part of me felt guilty and torn.  How could I be laughing and having a good time when she is gone?  I felt guilty for living.  

It almost did not seem fair.  Why did she have to go?  Why couldn't it have just been a scare?  Why, why, why?  I know, it is just part of the grieving process.  It seems almost inconceivable that one day I will accept that death, like birth,  is just an inevitable part of this journey.  

And, so, I hope that today will be the last of these sad posts (at least for a very good while).  There will be days where it may seem impossible to be happy, I know, that is life.  However, I will not allow those feelings to consume me.  My grandmother made it her mission to see the ones she loved happy.  Who am I to disappoint her?  

I have found that in hoping for better days, those days are bound to come. I have found that hope exists even in the darkest of days.  I have found that it is true, hope is the last thing that dies.  I hope, I hope, I hope.  I hope that everything will be okay.

xoxo