What the duck!

"Never trust a pretty girl with an ugly secret."

Pretty Little Liars

This past Tuesday was the summer finale for Pretty Little Liars.  My thoughts?  Well, honestly, they were a tad inappropriate.  At the very end of the episode I may or may not have screamed, "WHAT THE DUCK!" (except it was actually a word that starts with the letter F).  I mean, seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  This big reveal was made and all I have are MORE questions.  And, if you think the Halloween episode is going to answer some of those questions you are wrong.  Very, very wrong (I've done my research).

In order to get any sort of answer you will have to wait till January for the winter premier.  Now, if you are anything like me (obsessive and crazy) you googled the ish out of all the possible -A theories on the web.  Dudes, unless you are willing to waste a good hour of your life, don't even attempt it.  You will be sucked into a world of You Tube videos and Tumblrs.  And, though the theories are quite interesting, they will only fuel your anxiety.  Trust me, been there, done that.

My friend and I are pretty sure that Aria is actually -A and surprisingly there are many clues to support this theory.  Don't believe me?  Google 'Aria is A theory'.  Watch the videos, all the videos. Your mind will be blown.  BLOWN!  The only question in my mind is what is her motive?  Sure, these theories state that she has a multiple personality disorder.  However, what trauma would have caused her mental illness to poke its pretty little head?  

And, if Ezra is -A, or is part of the -A team where does his relationship with Aria fit in?  And if they are both members of the -A team why are they doing this?  Bonnie and Clyde?  Was Ezra the older man Ali was dating?  If so, and Ali is really alive why did she not warn Aria about his level of crazy?  You see, questions, upon questions, upon questions, upon questions.  It is a never ending list of why this and why that.  I am exhausted just thinking about it.

WHY?  All  I want to know is why.  Oh, and is Ali alive?  I mean, I think she is, yet, anything is possible in Rosewood.  Is she dead?  Do the girls see her ghost?  Wouldn't that make them all crazy?  Does Ali have a twin?  Or are all the twin references actually pointing towards Aria's split personality?  Is Cecee working for -A and for Red Coat?  Is Red Coat Ali?  What are Melissa and Wren up to?   And who killed IAN?  Have we forgotten the mischief and chaos -A has wreaked?  Have we forgotten that Ian was killed?  I certainly have not!  Marlene King, I need some answers.    

Obsessive much?  Definitely.  Ashamed?  Not a single bit.  I am 27 years old and am utterly obsessed with a teeny bopper show #truestory 

Sue me.

xoxo

Thank you, whoever you are.

Today I came across "A Little Book of Thank Yous: Letters, Notes & Quotes" by Addie Johnson.  It was almost as though I were meant to find it.  The book was sitting on a shelf at work asking to be taken home.  A shelf mind you, that I stand in front of at least three times a day.  A shelf I have stared at while waiting for the printer to do its job.  This 127 page book has been sitting there all this time waiting for me to notice.  

Coincidence?  Hmmm, a past version of me would probably think so.  Today I am not so sure.  Last Friday was rough.  Last Friday was not the kind you wish for.  Then yesterday morning I found a blue bag filled with chocolates and a card.  It was simple.  A simple thank you.  And, it was all it took for me to realize that gratitude comes in many forms.  Sometimes the smallest of gestures are the ones that hold the most meaning.  They are the ones you recall years and years from now.

There are moments in life that all a person needs is a thank you.  Those two words make a world of difference.  Below are five quotes that I am thankful for existing.  Read them.  Share them. Love them.  

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them"

john fitzgerald kennedy

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal"

albert pike

"The greatest gift is a portion of thyself"

ralph waldo emerson

"How far that little candle throws his beans! So shines a good deed in a naughty world"

shakespeare

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is "thank you", it will be enough"

meister eckhart

Lastly, one that really hit close to home.

"I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them.  The gratitude has finally conquered the loss"

rita mae brown

It is all about the little things.  And, if you find yourself coming back to my little space on the internet, thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  Whoever you may be, I am so glad you are here.  

xoxo

In Hope I trust.

"Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.  It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."

Vaclav Havel

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This entire last month has been entirely too strange for words.  Strange, there truly is no better way to describe it.  Day-after-day-after-day-after-day, no matter how great the attempt, I always felt the same.  Distraught.  Defeated.  Drained.  There was no escape, no running away, my mind kept pulling me  back every time I tried.  Whenever I put pen-to-paper I found my ideas were sullen and filled with sadness.  Try as I might, I couldn't think of anything positive to say.  I could not think of joy.  A small part of me felt as though I were betraying my grandmother if I were happy.  A part of me felt guilty and torn.  How could I be laughing and having a good time when she is gone?  I felt guilty for living.  

It almost did not seem fair.  Why did she have to go?  Why couldn't it have just been a scare?  Why, why, why?  I know, it is just part of the grieving process.  It seems almost inconceivable that one day I will accept that death, like birth,  is just an inevitable part of this journey.  

And, so, I hope that today will be the last of these sad posts (at least for a very good while).  There will be days where it may seem impossible to be happy, I know, that is life.  However, I will not allow those feelings to consume me.  My grandmother made it her mission to see the ones she loved happy.  Who am I to disappoint her?  

I have found that in hoping for better days, those days are bound to come. I have found that hope exists even in the darkest of days.  I have found that it is true, hope is the last thing that dies.  I hope, I hope, I hope.  I hope that everything will be okay.

xoxo  

Lightly, ever so lightly.

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling...” 

Aldous Huxley

A couple of weeks ago, while perusing Instagram (okay, stalking people on Instagram) I came across these beautiful words.  It was a post from Literally, Darling (check them out) and it stayed with me.  Since that day, around two weeks ago, I have read that quote several times.  My inner being is twisted, molded, and changed every time.  To some, a photograph may be worth a thousand words.  But for me?  Always go with words (preferably handwritten words).  I must harbor an old soul.

Today, on this Friday the 16th, in all of your actions, I ask of you, tread lightly.  And, when you feel lost, with little hope to guide your way, read this quote again.  You will not be disappointed.  Your mind and body will crave the lightness.  Sooner or later, you will find yourself coming out of your old shell feeling light and renewed.

Change, it does wonders to you.  So, this weekend, make a conscious effort to do all things lightly.  Happy Friday.  Above all, happy weekend.  

xoxo

Far, Far Better Things...

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I could not have said it better myself.  The hope that the best is yet to come is what keeps us going.  Knowing when to let go and move on will make you a much happier individual.  I have always been, and always will be, a sensitive human being.  It isn't because I take things too personal.  It isn't because I take things too seriously.  I just feel too many feelings.  I  always expect the very best in people.  I simply cannot accept any less. 

Despite this very public blog, I am a very private person.  Yes, I am an extrovert.  Yes, I am a social butterfly.  Yes, I would most likely put Chatty Cathy to shame.  However, a part of me believes that certain issues, certain situations, certain events, are best kept to myself.  So, on those rare occasions when someone finally makes it past those barriers, my heart expands just a tiny bit.  It gives me hope.  I shine just a little brighter.  However, ultimately, in the end I am always left disappointed.  Again, it must be my very high expectations. Expectations that individuals always fail to live up to.

I lost someone very dear to me.  I lost someone whom I loved.  I didn't think I could talk about it, about how I felt, about how devastated I was.  Yet, going against all my better judgement I did.  What did I get in return?  A phone call?  Nope.  An e-mail?  Nope.  A text message?  Nope.  For 16 days all I have to show is silence.  Silence.  It is true what they say; the silence is answer enough.

When the sun goes down and the stars come out, I find myself struggling with what I should do next.  Nothing.  I will do nothing.  It is like C.S. Lewis has said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind".

xoxo

Day Two: post surgery Ziggles.

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Last night I did not sleep a wink.  With Ziggy's current situation, I felt that he shouldn't sleep alone.  So, being the good fur momma that I am, I slept downstairs in the guest room, Ziggy included.  Oh-my-goodness.  Every hour on the hour I was startled from sleep.  He cried, he whined, he ran from one end of the room to the other, he did not sit still.  At around three in the morning I woke up and realized he was not in the room.  I sat motionless on the bed waiting, and then I heard him.  Apparently, Ziggy decided to take a walk around the house and then could not find his way back.  I-kid-you-not.  I found him in the family room lost and whimpering.  The Ziggles is overly dramatic, seriously.

Ziggy Marley is part of our little family.  It pains me to see him so uncomfortable.  He paces back and forth, back and forth, he rolls over on the rug, runs around in circles and looks at me,  pleading, "Please, please, take this off of my furry neck!".  How are we going to survive the next eight days?  Did I mention he sits still for about 0.005 seconds?  Did I mention his anxiety is giving me anxiety?  I am exhausted just by watching him.  Felipe finds this amusing.  Well, of course he does, he slept through the night.  But, I love the little fur ball.  

It looks as though I will be spending yet another night downstairs.  A part of me is just a little nervous leaving him alone to wander.  Ziggy Marley cannot be trusted.  I may be risking yet another night of sleep.  However, isn't that what you do for the ones you love?  Sure, he may just be a doggy, but, he is my doggy.  He is our little bratty fur child.  Though he is driving me bananas, I adore his little face.  Only eight more days.  Eight more days.  

Ziggles 2, Renata 0.

xoxo

You Cannot Be Serious.

You know that expression, "When it rains, it pours"?  Well, goodness, I am a believer.  Most of you know that I lost my dear grandmother just two weeks ago.  Well, what you do not know is that two days after that our air conditioner broke.  Three days after that our dish washer started to leak (oh, the joys of being a home owner).  Then today, our fur baby had to undergo minor surgery (my poor bebe!).

Oh, and let's not forget that about ten minutes ago I found out that Christina Yang will be leaving "Grey's Anatomy".  WHAT-IN-THE-WORLD!  Christina, you cannot leave Meredith without a person!  Forget about making lemonade, I just want to throw those lemons against the wall, whatever.  I am over it.

At this very moment my little Ziggles sits at my feet crying.  And there is nothing this fur momma can do to alleviate his pain.  This morning our Ziggy had to be put under anesthesia to drain & flush the abscess that had developed on his anal gland (I know, I know, TMI).  I have successfully given him his antibiotic and his pain medication.  However, that blue thing around his furry face is making him one grouchy pup.  

My little ball of fluff is so unhappy.  I cannot wait till he has his spunkiness back.  He didn't even greet me at the door this afternoon.  The vet said that he should be a little better by tomorrow, say a little prayer for us.

I don't even know how I will handle real live children.  How do you momma's do it?  

xoxo

Catharsis.

“We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtlenecks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we'd learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did.”

John Green

John Green has stolen my heart.  His words comfort me in ways I could never fully describe.  These last few days have been an eye opener.  Life is so very fragile.  Fragile and magnificent.  Love, forgive, and then love some more.  In an instant your life could drastically change.  Make sure that you love with all of your heart, all of your being, all that you can and maybe some more.  Our time here on Earth is only made worthy if we love.  

I will no longer be a grudge holder (it just isn't worth it).  At this very second I am letting go of all the hurt I've held inside.  Losing someone makes you realize the important things in life.  You come to understand that there are certain aspects of life that are just not worth dwelling over.  People make mistakes, what can ya do?

For the last three days I have had the same dream, over, and over, and over again.  At first I couldn't understand what it meant.  Now, I think I do.  Not everything in life will have closure.  Some things just end with no rhyme nor reason about them.  Not a thing could have been done differently.  In every scenario you'd have the same ending.  In every instance you'd end up with the same result.  It wasn't anything you did.  It wasn't anything you failed to do.  Some occurrences in life just are. You just need to learn to recognize those instances and let them go.  And, I am letting go.  I am letting go.

xoxo

I'll shop if I want to.

“It might seem strange to start a story with an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time.” 

Mitch Albom

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It has been seven days.  Seven long, long days.  And today, I think I feel okay.  I guess what they say is true, time heals all wounds.  Too bad there is not a fast forward button for your emotions, because lets face it, I am ready for this nightmare to be over.  I have had good hours, bad hours, sad hours, and happy hours.  As long as I am kept busy then my mind does not have time to wander.  It feels as though I am on a never-ending roller coaster ride.  "Hey, someone press the stop button, I want to get off!".  

There is no switch, I just have to take it one day at a time.  Ya know, the good with the bad, etc. etc.  And what better to keep you busy than online shopping?  Surprisingly, spending money is awfully therapeutic.  Or maybe it is just the online browsing that helps to clear my mind.  One headband, okay maybe two headbands,  a dress, and bracelet and a smile may have appeared (slightly).  Next time I'll try some earrings, maybe it will have a longer lasting effect.

There is no way to know for sure how long it will take for the grey clouds to dissipate.  However, a small part of me is certain that the sun will shine again.  Until then there are malls, books, friends, and chocolate.  You can never go wrong with chocolate.  Chocolate makes your heart just a little more full.

xoxo

Mending my Broken Heart.

“See, as much as you want to hold on to the bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are still in it”

Jodi Picoult

Alzira Ribeiro Astolpho

April 26, 1944-July 29, 2013

We laugh, we live, we love, we lose.  We realize all too soon that we have little control in this life.  We realize that yes, we are invincible.  To live is not a right.  To live is a privilege.  To know what it is to be loved, an honor.  

When we lose a person we love the universe comes to an abrupt stop.  In an instant everything you once thought you knew disappears.  You are jolted by despair, grief, and sadness.  All hope is lost.  You are left with a gaping hole and a broken heart.  And, in your head a voice keeps saying, "How will I ever be okay again?".

On Monday July 29th 2013 I lost my grandmother.  My tenacious, energetic, stubborn, and beautiful grandmother is gone.  In a way it still seems incredibly surreal.  I fool myself into believing this is just a nightmare.  At any moment I will wake up.  Then the chaos stops, the noise settles, and I am alone with my thoughts again.  My heart aches, my throat tightens, and my eyes well up with tears.  Goodbye, grandma.

When we lose a person we love we feel our pain is unique, different, incomparable.  We feel as though our pain is greater, stronger, more difficult to bear.  We feel as though not a single person  could possibly ever understand.  Words cannot console us. Our lives are forever changed.

Time.  I just wanted a little more time.  More time for hugs, more time for laughs, more time for expressing love.  I just needed a little more time.  Then I realize, no amount of time would ever be enough.  Because as humans our appetite for time surpasses all our basic needs.  We all yearn for a little more time.

I find solace in knowing my grandmother did not suffer.  It is oddly comforting to know she will know longer know the cruelty of this world.  I have faith that someday I will see her again.  One day I will once again feel the warmth of her embrace, the cheer in her laughter, the love in her voice.  And when I close my eyes I see her face, I hear her voice, I feel her presence.

My heart is broken.  A million shattered pieces lying on the ground below me.  My heart is broken, and a piece will always be missing.  Vó Zira, I will love you forever, always.

May your soul rest in peace.

xo