I am no stranger to weird comments and odd questions. Yet, nothing could have prepared me for the endless amounts of nonsense I hear on a daily basis. What is it about pregnancy that makes women and men blurt the most bizarre things? Honestly, I think the only thing that should be said to an expectant mother is, "You look beautiful."
Pregnancy is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing, if you know what I mean. Women experience this journey differently. We will not look the same, we will not gain the same amount of weight, and we will not behave in the same manner. We are different.
Before you decide to direct your words towards a momma-to-be remember this: Those hormones you are joking about, well, they may just be the reason you get your head chewed off.
Now, here are some of the most ridiculous things I have heard, some on more than one occasion.
1.) "Oh, my goodness, girl, are you having twins?". Umm, no, I'm not, and who are you again? I can't decide if this question is more offensive coming from a total stranger or from a co-worker. A co-worker who has asked you on multiple instances. I mean, I have had the same man, ask me almost every time I bump into him, if I am sure I'm not having twins. "No, dude, I am not sure, I've had just a couple ultrasounds and baby number two is just playing a mean game of hide-and-go-seek." Unless you know for certain, do not under any circumstance ask if someone is expecting twins. Trust me.
2.) "Wow, you look like you are ready to pop right here in the line." No, no I do not. I still have six weeks left to go. This is just wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Don't make any references to the time a woman may or may not go into labor. Again, strangers say the most darn things.
3.) "You look huge." Thank you, I feel huge too. How about just kicking me when I am down, why don't ya. The thing is that you have no idea what that woman is going through. Did she just have a really hard day trying to find an outfit that doesn't make her look like an oompa-loompa? You don't know that. Do not make it worse, got it?
4.) "Oh, how far along are you? But you are so tiny." This may seem odd to you. You may be thinking, "Well, this person is saying you are small, isn't that what you want?" No, no it is not. I do not want to be told that I am too small, nor do I want to be told that I am too big. To be on the safe side, do not make any comments directed towards the size of a pregnant woman's belly. Just don't do it.
5.) "You are carrying so high, you must be having boy." Whenever someone says this to me I just want to roll my eyes. The size and shape of a woman's pregnant belly does not in any way determine the baby's gender. We are built differently. Our bodies are not the same. My pregnant belly will not look anything like your pregnant belly. Stop telling me that I must be having a boy because I have a basketball for a belly. I am not having a boy, I am having a girl. Yes, I am sure.
6.) "Can I touch your belly?" Okay, now, asking to have my belly touched by someone I barely know is just weird. Why would you even ask? Why would you put someone on the spot? No, you cannot touch my belly. I barely know you. This is almost as bad as someone who you don't know just coming up to you and putting their hand on your belly. Almost.
7.) "When is your due date. Oh, yeah, you will definitely go past that day, at least by a week or a week and a half, definitely." Listen here, it is summer, in Florida, why would you wish that upon me. I mean seriously? Isn't 40 weeks enough? I am well aware that there are plenty of women that go days past their due date. However, why say that to someone you clearly see is anxious to get the show on the road? It's like telling a little kid that Santa won't be delivering his presents on Christmas day but two weeks from then. Who are you? Back away from the pregnant lady.
These are just a few of the things I have heard. Many of them are asked on a daily basis. Before getting pregnant I wasn't aware that suddenly everyone has something to say. I actually had a man tell me that I shouldn't walk down the stairs. Buddy, I have stairs in my house, am I supposed to restrict myself to the first floor only? Since when are you my doctor?
Most of the time I just smile and make a sarcastic but sweet remark. All the while, I am imagining my semi-swollen right hand, smacking you upside the head. It is truly poetic, I assure you. The next time you see a pregnant woman and just cannot resist the urge to speak, say this, "You look amazing, congratulations." Simple and brilliant, because truly, all expectant mommas are fabulous and deserve to be told, constantly.
xx