Just Be.

My nature has always been one filled with ambition and the competitive urge for excellence.  As long as I can remember I have strived to be the best.  I didn't need pressure from my parents.  The amount of pressure I placed on myself was more than sufficient.  And, if someone said I couldn't do something, it was more fuel for my fire.  

One moment.  One decision.  One choice.  One different step and everything changed.  I am my own worst enemy, or, so I was.  Until recently, I had not realized how unforgiving I was.  I had not forgiven myself for making the choice to not attend law school.  This invisible weight was a burden.  One I carried with me for the past five years.  A burden that ate at my core and one I wish to never carry.  The disappointment from others was nothing in comparison to the disappointment I felt in myself.  Each passing day I felt like my essence was being crushed.  Who was this girl?  If I wasn't the person who followed her life plan than who was I?  Every morning I awoke feeling less like a success and more like a failure.  I allowed myself to wallow in self pity.  In the convoluted world that I had constructed if I wasn't a lawyer, if I didn't have a fancy job, if I wasn't making more money than the next person, I was a failure.  I simply could not get over that fact.  These struggles were my own.  I truly was my own worst enemy.  

Then something just clicked.  And, in an instant, a grand realization was made.  Now, looking back, I believe the answer was always staring me right in the face.  The universe was giving me hints.  I was just too blinded by disappointment to see.  Then one day, as I was nestled on my couch amidst a good book I came across this passage.  It was as though the words were written just for me.  Perhaps, it was a way of God reassuring me that everything, will be okay.  Cynthia Hand, thank you!

"And finally, I’ve learned that life isn’t really about failure and success. It’s about being present, in the moment when big things happen, when everything changes, including yourself. So I would tell us, no matter how bright we think our futures are, it doesn’t matter. Whether we go off to some fancy university or stay home and work. That doesn’t define us. Our purpose on this earth is not a single event, an accomplishment we can check off a list. There is no test. No passing or failing. There’s only us, each moment shaping who we are, into what we will become. So I say forget about the future. Pay attention to now. This moment right now. Let go of expectations. Just be. Then you are free to become something great.”

I intend to do just that.  The only person who I will answer to is myself.  I am going to just be.  The more I freed myself from the burden I carried, the more I was aware that I was not alone.  So, in a way, I'm not just writing this for me, but for you too.  For those of you who feel lost.  For those of you struggling with the notion that you aren't exactly where you want to be.  You are not alone.  Success is relative.  And, as Theodore Roosevelt once said, "Comparison is the thief of joy".  

xoxo